An Open Letter to My Brother

To my readers : Usually this blog is filled with lots of sweet treats, silly jokes, and pictures of my latest Pyrex finds. Today I wanted be a bit serious, and post a letter I wrote to my brother Corey. Corey was killed on October 16th 2008. He is my second youngest brother, and still very loved and missed. Though the following may not make so much sense at times, and feel like the crazy rambles of a heartbroken big sister, It is a way for me to cope, to get my thoughts out of my head, and a step in the right direction. Thank you for reading my blog, and for the constant support.

Dear Corey, 

Today is four years since you have died. Four years of tears, sorrow, anger, and guilt. Four years filled with what ifs, and four years of missing you. As the days go by, as each year passes I hope that this void in my heart will get better, that the pain will subside just a little. It never does. The tears still come, and the sadness lingers. For a long time I didn't know how to make it stop, I've learned that it never does. It will always hurt, and I will always have the tears and the sadness.  But I have learned that what makes it easier, is thinking of you. How happy you were, and how funny you were. How you would sing constantly and always have that silly smirk on your face. Always trying to make someone laugh, which you usually always succeeded. Eating my yogurt, and laughing at me being mad over 60 cent yogurts. Which looking back, I can't believe how silly that was! Thinking of those times, and letting the memories flood back in, makes things easier, makes days like today, easier to deal with. I wasn't the best sister, and I know I was probably the worst sister at times. I always loved you and had your back when you thought I didn't. I wanted you to succeed and be happy. I wish I would have told you all that, instead of acting like such a pain. The last four years I have beaten myself up over it all. Looking back at things I said and how I treated you, and the fights we got into. I hated myself, and I let the guilt consume me. I didn't know how to fix that either. I sat down and thought about you, I thought about what you would tell me if I came to you with this and I realized that you would probably think I was a big giant turd for over thinking things and you would tell me to get over it, be happy, have fun, laugh a little (or a whole lot) and that you loved me too. Brothers and sisters fight, it's what we do. Both of us are guilty of being royal pains to eachother, to our other siblings, even to our parents. It's a family rule. We all drive eachother nuts. I just wish it didn't take what happened four years ago to make me realize all of this. I wish you were here today. I wish you could see all your nieces and nephews. What a wonderful uncle you would be! I wish that I could have seen you grow into the good man that I knew you would be. Seeing you get married, having children, and enjoying life. You were robbed of that, and nothing I will ever do, nothing anyone will do can ever change that. The hurt wont ever leave, and the tears will still there. What I can change is the ways in which I remember you. I won't remember how you left this world, I will remember your time in this world. The time I had with you, and the time we shared together with our family. Christmas mornings, and birthdays. I'll never forget my 21st birthday, I made Dad take us to Chilis and of course you got sick, but you still sang happy birthday to me like a trooper, and the birthday weekend with all of our friends at my apartment. I will remember the good times, the laughs, and you as you were when I was able to reach out and hug you. I will celebrate you and your life by living mine to the absolute fullest and being as happy as I can. Because that is what I know you would want. Wherever you are now, I hope your laugh echos the rooms as it would when you were on this Earth. I miss you incredibly, I will love you always.

Tasha